


Loneliness

by AdmirableAttempts (ratboypest)



Series: Two's Company [1]
Category: Detroit: Become Human (Video Game)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Gen, Hurt No Comfort, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Mentioned Connor (Detroit: Become Human), Mentioned Hank Anderson, Mentioned Tina Chen, Mentioned Upgraded Connor | RK900, Not Beta Read, Post-Pacifist Best Ending (Detroit: Become Human), Upgraded Connor | RK900 Has a Different Name, gavin read has a cat called Trashcat, this is about a year later, this isnt that relevant but i love writing them interacting ill probably do it again
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-02
Updated: 2019-11-02
Packaged: 2021-01-18 18:58:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 837
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21281651
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ratboypest/pseuds/AdmirableAttempts
Summary: How ironic, that the only thing for him to ever know intimately, to be there with him throughout everything, was loneliness itself?(this is a vent fic, just me projecting on characters to cope. please dont read if it will upset or trigger you)
Series: Two's Company [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1554313
Comments: 6
Kudos: 21





	Loneliness

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys, my first fic go gentle on me.
> 
> This is a fic where I project my own bullshit onto Gavin to try and cope, PLEASE do not read if it might upset you! Be safe, this is not meant to trigger anyone.
> 
> This fic deals with the concept of severe loneliness, depression, alcoholism, and trying to cope with it on your own. Please, if you struggle with these things, reach out to someone. Kind of a "do as I say, not as I do" sentiment, but nonetheless.
> 
> I hope you enjoy if you choose to read. I may write happier fics in the future.

Loneliness, Gavin thinks, feels... empty. 

There's no better word for it, in his opinion, clichè as it may be. It feels like pure emptiness.

It makes him sick to his stomach, makes it feel like theres water in his lungs. It makes it hard to breathe, like theres an immeasurable weight on his chest and all he can do is wait for the suffocation to finally fucking take him.

It makes his throat close up, makes him choke on something that isn't fucking there, but no matter how much he tries to convince himself of that fact, the feeling never fades.

Gavin raises his hand to his throat subconciously, thinking this. Raises his other hand to the bottle of vodka beside him, and drinks deeply, gagging at the taste but pushing on, searching for _something_ to numb the thoughts and feelings that have overwhelmed him tonight.

It makes his heart feel empty, he thinks, in the deepest sense of the world. It makes him feel like he's been drained, of everything and more. It makes him feel like everything in his heart has been frozen, the warm reassurance of the pumping of blood through his veins replaced with the ice cold emanating through his body, the feeling that what was once lively inside of him will never move again.

Death is no new concept to Gavin, between his line of work, the attempts on his life by both himself and others, and the way his parents left him at such a young age. It constantly dances around him, always seeming to brush his cheek just when he had thought he was finally safe. Always seeming to be waiting for him, no matter where he went.

No, death was nothing new. Such that Gavin had made his peace with it. He was ready for it, so ready. And despite that...

Loneliness makes him feel as though he is already dead. And while, in any other situation, that would almost be ideal, or at least expected, in this case it just hurts. 

It hurts in a numb way, like the ache of knowing while the pain relief you're on is helping something, it's preventing you from doing so much more. It feels like being a corpse, restricting your motions and motivations. 

It feels like having already left behind what it means to be alive. It feels like obsolete organs, barely even going through the motions. It just feels... like death. Death without relief.

Gavin looks up, startled from his melancholy by an unexpected noise. It's his cat, jumping up beside him on the couch. It makes itself comfortable next to him, purring against his thigh. He smiles at the sight, happy that at least _someone_ is ok, despite the depressing atmostphere he's allowed himself to create.

He strokes the cat's fur once, has another swig from the bottle, and sits back to allow himself to get lost in his thoughts again.

_Dramatic bitch_, he thinks to himself. It's not as though he's alone. He has Nines, and Tina, and hell, even Connor and Hank. All the people he's grown close to over this past year. He _knows_ this. Reminds himself of it every goddamned day. But it's not the same.

To be lonely isn't to be alone, he's learned. The two are not mutually exclusive. Whether or not you spend time with people, have meaningful relationships, it all means shit when it comes to this. Gavin could be in a room filled with people he knows and cares for, and still be crushed with his overwhelming loneliness.

It's like standing in the snow. You could have all the layers in the fucking world on, and still the cold will find it's way in, somehow. Try what you may, it feels as though there's no protecting against it. No hiding from it.

Loneliness is like the cold starts from within, and no outer protection will help. It's getting frostbite from the inside out, but knowing the pain won't even do him the decency of granting him death. Of granting him a reprieve. 

All he can do is bury it under false warmth, from minor experiences that simulate the experience of feeling better, feeling less lonely. Stupid comedy shows, meeting up with friends, fuck, even making the effort to attend work events and socialising. Small reprieves from the freezing, aching feeling of knowing at the end of the day, he's still aching, and cold. Lost in a blizzard that only he can feel.

Gavin moves to take another swig from the bottle, stops upon seeing that it's empty, and sighs. 

"Time for bed eh, Trashcat?" he mutters, mostly to himself, scooping the cat up in his arms and carrying it to his room. Some rest would do him good. Can't have Nines riding his ass about not sleeping, _again_. He smiles slightly, shaking his head at the thought.

_I may be lonely,_ Gavin thinks to himself, as he curls up in bed beside his cat. _But at least im not alone._


End file.
